I thought I would go ahead and continue with my story in a separate post since I didn't get around to posting last night. :( Sorry.
But anyway, my current relationship began in 1998. I had recently got involved with this new-fangled invention called "the internet"...gasp....lol I had started it the year before. I had talked to a great friend of mine at church and she told me about all the neat people she met and chatted with online and I was intrigued. I even tried this chat program online where I wound up making several friends. Two of them I still keep in contact with in Sweden, twelve years later! A man and a woman who met in that chat room and eventually married. They are so sweet! And the husband taught me a lot about computer stuff back then because I was a complete newbie. He's like a computer genius. But I appreciated their friendship to me.
While on that chat program I had an online boyfriend for awhile in Montana. We talked on the phone a few times but then that faded. A whole other story maybe I'll share one day. But does not really pertain to the main events of this page. But before I started chatting online I had posted a personal ad for just a pen pal on an innocent pen pal site. I really wanted to meet a friend and correspond with someone male or female who lived in Ireland or Scotland. I've always been enamoured with the land and castles there and want to visit some day, so I thought it would be neat to have a friend from another country and culture, but yet who spoke English! lol
Well I never really got a response, it was just a quaint little site I don't think many people visited. Until March 7, 1998, I got a response from someone who was not currently living in Scotland, but in Arizona, but had lived in Scotland for two years before and wanted to know if I still wanted to chat or correspond. I was like sure, what the heck. So we traded e-mails, and then I gave him my ICQ# and he installed it and we chatted and hit it off really well. He said he was really interested in me but I was too young. (He was 39 and I was 22.) I was a bit offended because I had always been drawn to older men. Boys my age always acted too rowdy and immature. And I talked him into giving me a chance. Boy if I had only known what would lie ahead I would have kept my mouth closed!
So we chatted pretty intensely for ten days because on March 17th I get an e-mail of proposal of marriage!!!!!! I remember sitting at my computer in my bedroom, reading and shrieking, and my sister sitting on my bed. I read it to her and then my mom wanted to know what all the commotion was about it. So I told her. I was giddy. He said he was falling for me and if we could arrange to meet and we both were happy with what we found in each other, then he wanted to marry me. And I said yes.
Yes, throw stuff at me for being stupid please. I deserve it.
And this acceptance was even before we had spoken on the phone! I remember thinking, "Oh my GOD! What if he sounds like a dweeb? I'm engaged to him!" We traded phone numbers and he called me and he had a great voice. So I was relieved. We talked for hours. He even talked to my mom and asked for my hand, which I thought was sweet. But then the poop hit the fan when he told me and I told my Mom, he was Mormon. She got upset and said she would not condone our marriage. I sunk into depression because I thought I had found the one but did not want to go against my Mother, who I knew was probably right. It was an emotional few days until she relented and said she was not happy about it but she did not want to lose me and have me run away, and that I was an adult and had to make my own decisions. So we continued.
He sent me a webcam so I could make videos of myself. No they were not dirty. I was too embarrassed for that! lol He said I was cute and had a great personality but there was one thing he wanted me to promise....That I would continue working to lose weight after we were married. Of course I agreed because I wanted to please him even though I didn't think it fair as he was bigger than I was. But he kept saying again and again that he learned through his first marriage that looks aren't everything. Oh, but he still thought I was cute. But he said if we had met on the street he would not have picked me out to talk to me because of my looks and weight. :( Through the years he tried to take it back and say it never really mattered but I will ALWAYS hear the first words he spoke. You can hurt a person, and they can forgive you, but it's hard to ever take those words back.
So I've learned, be careful what you say. Think hard before you open your mouth. Because words spoken cannot be erased.
Moving on, we talked for hours every day either on the phone or the computer. And that was before all the cell phone plan nights and weekends or great long distance rates. lol I think one month his phone bill was $500 and mine $300. Not good. But we really hit it off. We had a few rocky moments when he confessed to me one morning he had relationships with prostitutes and had let one in that morning "just to look". I was devastated. I cried and cried. My Mom asked me what was wrong but I wouldn't tell her. I couldn't share that with anyone. That should have been another sign. I knew I couldn't share because then someone would talk me out of marrying him. He cried and boo-hooed over the phone saying it would never happen again, begging for another chance. That he was just sleepy and horny when she dropped by and he didn't even stop to think. I forgave him, like an idiot, but have never fully trusted him since. There is always a part that wonders.
I told him in order to get married though he had to have STD testing and I wanted to "SEE" the results which he provided. But I was so stupid for going with through with it.
We finally decided our courtship was getting too expensive and he talked me into just going for it and let's get married, which I also stupidly let myself get talked into. He wanted to get married in August, the sooner the better. I wanted to wait because I wanted to spend my birthday with my family. I knew money would be tight and had no clue when or if I could come back and visit or if my family could visit. I got him to agree to wait until Labor Day weekend and then we could use the extra holiday day for the drive back to Arizona, where he was, for our honeymoon trip.
Another sign that should have clued me in on things to come was I had to ASK for an engagement ring. And didn't get one until about July that he got from a pawn shop. So it was probably cursed too. lol
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a person who has to have a $1,000 dollar ring or even expensive at all, or even it be flashy and fancy. Heck these days I even prefer sterling silver over gold. I just like it to be pretty. It does not have to be expensive or flashy. In fact I'm a pretty simple laid back person. I'm very easy to please. But isn't it a given when you ask a girl to marry her you already have the ring or are planning to get one???? I mean I think it's even more of a symbol than something to just flash around. I think it's a symbol that the man takes you seriously, that he takes your heart and your lives together seriously, and this shows his intent on making you happy, being there for you, sheltering you, loving you...well I know that now but I was blind then. I had to ask for the symbol that did not mean anything to him that he should have been wanting to give. :(
Also when he flew in for the wedding I don't think he brought any money at all with him. Probably blew it on things I don't care to know. All the money we had for the trip was mine or given to us as a gift, or on my credit. Another bad sign. Thankfully he did know to get me a simple wedding band, which he did not fight too much. Both of which he stopped wearing his years ago and then I stopped wearing mine when I had gained too much weight and it was cutting off my circulation. lol
But before the wedding day there was a time I had a bad feeling about it all. I wanted to call it off and almost did. I just felt sick. But I and my mom wondered if it was just fear of moving away. She told me I ought to give him a chance and I didn't want to hurt him. I figured I could make it work if I tried hard. Buzzzzz ....wrong answer.
He flew in the day before the wedding. I and my Grandma picked him up from the airport. So the first kiss I ever had was at age 23 and just a rushed peck on the lips. I was so nervous! We spent the evening together and with my family hanging out. Then the next day we got our license, had an extremely small ceremony at a chapel on the beach. Nothing like I dreamed about. (Not that I'd have a big ceremony now either though, they are too much work and so expensive!!! But I'd have something more romantic. Although I did really feel disappointed about not getting to wear a pretty and beautiful gown.)
For a reception we had a sit down dinner with more family and a few friends. It was very good and enjoyable. It broke my heart though at saying goodbye to everyone and seeing them cry.
Then came the honeymoon. Oh boy, so not what I was expecting either. And I'm sorry if this information offends anyone but I'm just laying out the truth here and how things have been between us over the years. But as a girl you read things and watch movies and you fantasize about your honeymoon night. Hot steamy sex, wild passion, and raw lust to finally unleash.... HA HA HA! Yeah right! It was total wham-bam-thank you ma'am. And then he moved over to his side of the king bed and told me he was going to sleep and he didn't care to cuddle because he needed space. I just turned over and absolutely cried. Not where he could hear me though. I felt so rejected. So alone. So very unfulfilled. Where was the romance? Where was the union of two lovers? Where was the passion and then falling into each other's arms and falling asleep cradling one another?!?!?!? I should have just gotten dressed and went home!!!!!!!! It was definitely not what I had envisioned...two lovers who delighted in exploring each other, who were finally at liberty to do everything they could think of and desire without rules to break or inhibitions. Now I know why there are romance novels....because that's the only romance I've been able to participate in.
Romance has definitely not been his forte. I've received flowers once from him, only because I asked. His kids have been sweet and bought me flowers for occasions that he would oh so proudly bring to me. But they were not from him. If a holiday is coming up and he has to buy something for me he waits til the last minute and begrudgingly goes shopping and complains about it. I would actually prefer to get nothing than have him go get something he didn't want to get. It's just been 11 years of me giving, giving, giving, and I having to pull teeth to get anything at all in return. Sometimes I feel my soul has been almost sucked dry and I have nothing more to give. Don't even want to give. Feel myself getting very unloving and ungiving and wanting to be mean and heartless right back, and that is just not me. I don't like what this relatonship has done to my heart. And I'm fighting hard not to turn into him. That's another reason why I must get out.
Well there is so much more to tell. I've barely scraped the surface at all that has happened since the wedding day. But I need to close for now.
Love and blessings to all who read!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My Story - Part II - Prior Relationships
Before I go into the beginnings of my current relationship I will tell you about prior ones. Oh wait...there was none...or at least a serious one. lol In high school I did not date. Was never asked out or I would have. I was overweight then as well and the only interest I felt any guy showed in me then was a few times I had my butt grabbed in the hallway when I was wearing my short denim skirt. Never found out who did it either.
I didn't really hang out with school friends after school. I was always quiet and shy, but still usually well liked. The only social life I had was friends at church, and they were usually the ones I hung out with at school as well. I was deeply involved in my church and youth group and if it were not for my church friends I probably would have had an ultra pathetic social life.
There were a few guys I had crushes on badly at my church and they were usually older. They usually did not take interest in me unless it was as a buddy. I was always their best friend, but not taken seriously romantically. But I would follow them around like a lost puppy dog for any scraps I could get. Now that was pathetic I know. But the girl to guy ratio at our church was horrid. So there was always someone slimmer, prettier, and friendlier than me to be dated. So I think I figured maybe just maybe I could win them over in other ways.
There was one guy eventually when I was around 20 or 21 that seemed to take an interest in me. I won't go into a ton of detail for privacy issues on his part but I really fell hard for him. He was funny, kind, spiritual, and very handsome. Piercing brown eyes and smile that would always melt my heart. We chatted a lot at church and we hung out a lot together amidst of our group of shared friends with my silently crushing on him.
Then one Sunday morning after church he said, "Hey wanna go grab a bite together later?" I was like sure. You know my heart did flip-flops! So we had our first little "date". Although I was clueless and worried through the whole meal if it was really a date or just buddies sharing a meal? I was like OMG, do I offer to pay or not offer?!?!?! Will I offend him either way?!?!?! I was just a wreck even though the time together was nice. And he did end up paying. lol But to this day I'm still not sure it was a real date!
After that we ended up spending A LOT of time together. He started sitting by me in church. He would call me after work and we'd go hang out and walk on the beach. We'd spend Sunday afternoons with his daughter and go to the arcade and have a blast. Go fishing. Hang out at his place and watch old movies and fix meals together. Talk about life, share music we liked. It was really, really great. The more time I spent with him, the more I enjoyed it and the more I felt for him. But through all that I waited....waited for him to say how he felt, waited for him to hold my hand, to maybe try to kiss me...something, anything...I was so confused. He always seemed to enjoy my company but nothing even slightly intimate.
Even though I was saving myself for marriage, I wanted a kiss or hand held or just for him to say, "Hey I like you but this is the reason I want to wait, etc." I mean he bought a new car and I was the first person he immediately thought to call and bring it by my house and take me for a spin. When he had to leave for work trips, he gave his brand new car to me to use and keep safe for him because he didn't want his family member trying to use it. It's like we were a couple but with no confirmation or mention of it. I was so dang confused. I even started walking in the evenings with his mom as we were both trying to lose weight, but it bothered me when she mentioned it and one day I saw it with my own eyes, that he was and had been driving by the walking park to see if were actually walking!!!! It started to dawn on me that maybe he did like me and care about me, but he was waiting for me to look better. That really hurt. I didn't bring that up to him and I hate confrontations so badly that I decided to write him a letter one day and I left it for him in his car at work. I mean he gave me all the liberties a guy would give a girlfriend or more so, a wife!...access to his car, access to his bank information so I could do errands for him and cash his check so we could go do stuff together....but anyway I told him I cared about him, I loved him...and I just wanted to know how he felt about me, that I would even understand if he didn't. I just needed to know where we stood.
The response I got? Silence. He avoided it at all costs. I asked if he got my letter. He said yes. Nothing more. So I didn't push the issue. Then he proceeds to tell me he wrote this poem for someone he cared about deeply and he wondered if I would read it and type it for him. I stupidly thought maybe this was his way of telling me how he felt. The poem was beautiful and heart-wrenching. So I did as I was asked and typed it up, and my heart started to hope, and I left it in a folder for him in his car. I waited for him to say more. But that night at youth meeting at church, I saw him walk up to one of my friends and hand her the poem. Talk about a stab in the gut. He knew how I felt, he knew how I cared, and he would not respond, and yet he poured his heart out in a poem and had ME type it to give to someone else? I just wanted to run out the door and never see his face again. So that was my first and only experience with love before my marriage. Pretty sad huh?
I didn't really hang out with school friends after school. I was always quiet and shy, but still usually well liked. The only social life I had was friends at church, and they were usually the ones I hung out with at school as well. I was deeply involved in my church and youth group and if it were not for my church friends I probably would have had an ultra pathetic social life.
There were a few guys I had crushes on badly at my church and they were usually older. They usually did not take interest in me unless it was as a buddy. I was always their best friend, but not taken seriously romantically. But I would follow them around like a lost puppy dog for any scraps I could get. Now that was pathetic I know. But the girl to guy ratio at our church was horrid. So there was always someone slimmer, prettier, and friendlier than me to be dated. So I think I figured maybe just maybe I could win them over in other ways.
There was one guy eventually when I was around 20 or 21 that seemed to take an interest in me. I won't go into a ton of detail for privacy issues on his part but I really fell hard for him. He was funny, kind, spiritual, and very handsome. Piercing brown eyes and smile that would always melt my heart. We chatted a lot at church and we hung out a lot together amidst of our group of shared friends with my silently crushing on him.
Then one Sunday morning after church he said, "Hey wanna go grab a bite together later?" I was like sure. You know my heart did flip-flops! So we had our first little "date". Although I was clueless and worried through the whole meal if it was really a date or just buddies sharing a meal? I was like OMG, do I offer to pay or not offer?!?!?! Will I offend him either way?!?!?! I was just a wreck even though the time together was nice. And he did end up paying. lol But to this day I'm still not sure it was a real date!
After that we ended up spending A LOT of time together. He started sitting by me in church. He would call me after work and we'd go hang out and walk on the beach. We'd spend Sunday afternoons with his daughter and go to the arcade and have a blast. Go fishing. Hang out at his place and watch old movies and fix meals together. Talk about life, share music we liked. It was really, really great. The more time I spent with him, the more I enjoyed it and the more I felt for him. But through all that I waited....waited for him to say how he felt, waited for him to hold my hand, to maybe try to kiss me...something, anything...I was so confused. He always seemed to enjoy my company but nothing even slightly intimate.
Even though I was saving myself for marriage, I wanted a kiss or hand held or just for him to say, "Hey I like you but this is the reason I want to wait, etc." I mean he bought a new car and I was the first person he immediately thought to call and bring it by my house and take me for a spin. When he had to leave for work trips, he gave his brand new car to me to use and keep safe for him because he didn't want his family member trying to use it. It's like we were a couple but with no confirmation or mention of it. I was so dang confused. I even started walking in the evenings with his mom as we were both trying to lose weight, but it bothered me when she mentioned it and one day I saw it with my own eyes, that he was and had been driving by the walking park to see if were actually walking!!!! It started to dawn on me that maybe he did like me and care about me, but he was waiting for me to look better. That really hurt. I didn't bring that up to him and I hate confrontations so badly that I decided to write him a letter one day and I left it for him in his car at work. I mean he gave me all the liberties a guy would give a girlfriend or more so, a wife!...access to his car, access to his bank information so I could do errands for him and cash his check so we could go do stuff together....but anyway I told him I cared about him, I loved him...and I just wanted to know how he felt about me, that I would even understand if he didn't. I just needed to know where we stood.
The response I got? Silence. He avoided it at all costs. I asked if he got my letter. He said yes. Nothing more. So I didn't push the issue. Then he proceeds to tell me he wrote this poem for someone he cared about deeply and he wondered if I would read it and type it for him. I stupidly thought maybe this was his way of telling me how he felt. The poem was beautiful and heart-wrenching. So I did as I was asked and typed it up, and my heart started to hope, and I left it in a folder for him in his car. I waited for him to say more. But that night at youth meeting at church, I saw him walk up to one of my friends and hand her the poem. Talk about a stab in the gut. He knew how I felt, he knew how I cared, and he would not respond, and yet he poured his heart out in a poem and had ME type it to give to someone else? I just wanted to run out the door and never see his face again. So that was my first and only experience with love before my marriage. Pretty sad huh?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
My Story - My Current Situation Briefly & Background....
Well I guess first thing is first and I should introduce myself and start with my story. I plan to lay my soul bare here and be completely and totally honest. Spill my heart's contents so that I may help someone and also so that I can deal with my own healing process as well. I know everyone who finds themselves in a type of abusive situation will not have all the same aspects and problems. There will no judging here, just compassion. If you are hurting and need a friend to listen, I offer myself. I won't judge you, I won't condemn you, and anything you say will remain in my confidence.
Anyways, currently I am still in my relationship. I have been married for 11 years, going on 12. But just in the past several months the straw started breaking the camel's back so to speak. I started waking up. I started realizing I don't deserve what has been happening. I realized I deserve happiness. I deserve making my dreams come true. I deserve more than to be treated this way. My husband does not know my plans of leaving yet. Due to his temper and his instability, I am afraid to tell him, although I have told him of my unhappiness to a degree. I already fear the day I do leave, something bad will happen, someone innocent be hurt his actions. And I already struggle against that guilt blanketing my shoulders. So I'm making plans, preparing slowly. I would leave sooner but I don't have the finances and plus there are other matters to deal with like doing our taxes, separating our things, etc. And our lease is supposed to end in May and we had planned on finding a house to rent or somewhere a little less expensive, and I thought it would be easier to just have things already packed and try to ease out the safest way possible. And that is because I live on the other side of the US from my friends and family. So that is my current situation. I'm not free yet, but I've made the first step....my choice, my desire, and my decision to be free from pain.
That is step 1 - Make the Decision.
To give you more insight into me I will explain my life a bit. I am the oldest of three. I had a wonderful and awesome mother, but I had an emotionally abusive father. There are some things about him I cannot share here because they involve others in our family that some of you know and I will not share anything publicly that would hurt or upset them if it involves them. But just know he was extremely abusive, especially to our mother. We were not a poor family, thought not rich either, although many times we lived poor because he would rather spends tens of thousands on his boating obsession than on what his family needed. There is nothing wrong with having a passion for something, or hobbies that you enjoy individually, but when it takes the place of your family, when it is used as an escape from your family and when you vocally confirm it is better than your family - yes he did that - then there is a definite problem!
Through the years people could not believe, outside of our family, anything negative we might mention in passing about him. Because of course he was so nice, cordial, sweet, and adoring to all those but us. He played the doting husband and father outside, but at times on the inside was pure hell. I can count on one hand the times I heard "I love you" or had a hug from him, and have several fingers left over. Now compared to my current situation, a lot of times my spouse is not like that, he'll act the jerk no matter who is around. I find myself too many times apologizing for his behavior in our wake. Afraid to take my spouse anywhere because I'm scared of what he'll say, who he'll offend, and what he will make people think of us. That is so stressful! And shameful. I have always been pretty well liked by people for my friendliness and I enjoy being social and having friends, but I have never felt much liberty in making or keeping them as a couple because he gets so mean and offensive at the blink of an eye.
But back to my father, I stayed after her for a long time to leave him. That she deserved better. That loneliness would be much better than living the way he treated her and us. Then another relative found herself also in a bad situation and I remember the talks we had to persuade her she deserved better. Now I'm realizing I've not listened to my own advice. I've had to think if I was a friend to myself, then what would I say to me? The response in my mind was humbling. I would say..."Wake up girlfriend! Why do you let him treat you like this? Why do you let life and your dreams pass you by for someone who does not respect your feelings? Why do you let it continue? Why do you let him cut your soul so deep? WHY?!?!"
So I have realized that the first obstacle to overcome in making a decision to break out of an abusive relationship is shame. Humiliation. And confession of it.
So step 2 - Confession.
The second step in my process that I have been doing a lot of now is almost as hard, if not harder than the first step. In order to explain why I need to break out and leave I have had to confess to those I care about all the things that are uncomfortable for me to share. I've had to humble myself to those whose opinions of me matter, to those I want to esteem me. But I have had to tell them exactly what a bad choice I made in choosing to marry him. I have had to admit defeat. I have had to admit negligence. I have had to admit not being smart. I have had to admit my utter shame. I am not trying to sound egotistical because I do not have the best self-esteem in the world for sure. But I consider myself smart, with good common sense, a bit blonde at moments...lol, but overall intelligent. And to admit the choice I made, the signs I turned a blind eye to, well it makes me feel not so smart and makes me feel like an idiot and a complete and total moron. To be blantantly honest I feel just plain STUPID!
But then I try to see myself through the eyes of those who truly love me and know who I am. And through them I know I am compassionate, caring, tender-hearted, kind, love easily, trust easily and sometimes maybe a little too optimistic. A lot of times I think I can fix things that I just can't fix.
I thought I could do things to make my spouse happy and love me, and change how he treats me. But it doesn't work that way. You can't change a person's being, their mode of thinking, their past, the environments they were brought up in. There is so much that contributes to the make-up of a person's being, mentality, thought processes and personality that we cannot even imagine or fathom. It is pretty ridiculous to think that just you, by some simple actions and deeds here and there, can change all of that around. Not going to happen!!! Not trying to make anyone feel bad, it's just a hard and simple fact.
My personal conclusion I have recently come to is that I think in order to be in a successful, happy and nurturing relationship, you have both had to come through life experiences and have an equation in your being that comes close to equaling the other person's. Everything you have gone through that has shaped your soul and your life is going to come out a certain level or equation. And when you try to match up with someone who has a different level or equation, it is going to be one horrible mess! You won't be very balanced. And one of you will always be trying to re-work their own equations to balance out the happiness and it's not going to equal out.
Gosh, never thought I would make relationships sound so mathematical. LOL And maybe that's why my relationship has been such a blob of a mess. I've always been trying to readjust one of our equations to balance things out, and let's just face it......I SUCK AT MATH! LOL
But anyway, I think I will close this for now. I will post tomorrow more about our relationship. But I will try to post nightly if possible even if it is just a short word of encouragement, a resource, a poem, or something. So please keep checking back and please remember....you are not alone!
Anyways, currently I am still in my relationship. I have been married for 11 years, going on 12. But just in the past several months the straw started breaking the camel's back so to speak. I started waking up. I started realizing I don't deserve what has been happening. I realized I deserve happiness. I deserve making my dreams come true. I deserve more than to be treated this way. My husband does not know my plans of leaving yet. Due to his temper and his instability, I am afraid to tell him, although I have told him of my unhappiness to a degree. I already fear the day I do leave, something bad will happen, someone innocent be hurt his actions. And I already struggle against that guilt blanketing my shoulders. So I'm making plans, preparing slowly. I would leave sooner but I don't have the finances and plus there are other matters to deal with like doing our taxes, separating our things, etc. And our lease is supposed to end in May and we had planned on finding a house to rent or somewhere a little less expensive, and I thought it would be easier to just have things already packed and try to ease out the safest way possible. And that is because I live on the other side of the US from my friends and family. So that is my current situation. I'm not free yet, but I've made the first step....my choice, my desire, and my decision to be free from pain.
That is step 1 - Make the Decision.
To give you more insight into me I will explain my life a bit. I am the oldest of three. I had a wonderful and awesome mother, but I had an emotionally abusive father. There are some things about him I cannot share here because they involve others in our family that some of you know and I will not share anything publicly that would hurt or upset them if it involves them. But just know he was extremely abusive, especially to our mother. We were not a poor family, thought not rich either, although many times we lived poor because he would rather spends tens of thousands on his boating obsession than on what his family needed. There is nothing wrong with having a passion for something, or hobbies that you enjoy individually, but when it takes the place of your family, when it is used as an escape from your family and when you vocally confirm it is better than your family - yes he did that - then there is a definite problem!
Through the years people could not believe, outside of our family, anything negative we might mention in passing about him. Because of course he was so nice, cordial, sweet, and adoring to all those but us. He played the doting husband and father outside, but at times on the inside was pure hell. I can count on one hand the times I heard "I love you" or had a hug from him, and have several fingers left over. Now compared to my current situation, a lot of times my spouse is not like that, he'll act the jerk no matter who is around. I find myself too many times apologizing for his behavior in our wake. Afraid to take my spouse anywhere because I'm scared of what he'll say, who he'll offend, and what he will make people think of us. That is so stressful! And shameful. I have always been pretty well liked by people for my friendliness and I enjoy being social and having friends, but I have never felt much liberty in making or keeping them as a couple because he gets so mean and offensive at the blink of an eye.
But back to my father, I stayed after her for a long time to leave him. That she deserved better. That loneliness would be much better than living the way he treated her and us. Then another relative found herself also in a bad situation and I remember the talks we had to persuade her she deserved better. Now I'm realizing I've not listened to my own advice. I've had to think if I was a friend to myself, then what would I say to me? The response in my mind was humbling. I would say..."Wake up girlfriend! Why do you let him treat you like this? Why do you let life and your dreams pass you by for someone who does not respect your feelings? Why do you let it continue? Why do you let him cut your soul so deep? WHY?!?!"
So I have realized that the first obstacle to overcome in making a decision to break out of an abusive relationship is shame. Humiliation. And confession of it.
So step 2 - Confession.
The second step in my process that I have been doing a lot of now is almost as hard, if not harder than the first step. In order to explain why I need to break out and leave I have had to confess to those I care about all the things that are uncomfortable for me to share. I've had to humble myself to those whose opinions of me matter, to those I want to esteem me. But I have had to tell them exactly what a bad choice I made in choosing to marry him. I have had to admit defeat. I have had to admit negligence. I have had to admit not being smart. I have had to admit my utter shame. I am not trying to sound egotistical because I do not have the best self-esteem in the world for sure. But I consider myself smart, with good common sense, a bit blonde at moments...lol, but overall intelligent. And to admit the choice I made, the signs I turned a blind eye to, well it makes me feel not so smart and makes me feel like an idiot and a complete and total moron. To be blantantly honest I feel just plain STUPID!
But then I try to see myself through the eyes of those who truly love me and know who I am. And through them I know I am compassionate, caring, tender-hearted, kind, love easily, trust easily and sometimes maybe a little too optimistic. A lot of times I think I can fix things that I just can't fix.
I thought I could do things to make my spouse happy and love me, and change how he treats me. But it doesn't work that way. You can't change a person's being, their mode of thinking, their past, the environments they were brought up in. There is so much that contributes to the make-up of a person's being, mentality, thought processes and personality that we cannot even imagine or fathom. It is pretty ridiculous to think that just you, by some simple actions and deeds here and there, can change all of that around. Not going to happen!!! Not trying to make anyone feel bad, it's just a hard and simple fact.
My personal conclusion I have recently come to is that I think in order to be in a successful, happy and nurturing relationship, you have both had to come through life experiences and have an equation in your being that comes close to equaling the other person's. Everything you have gone through that has shaped your soul and your life is going to come out a certain level or equation. And when you try to match up with someone who has a different level or equation, it is going to be one horrible mess! You won't be very balanced. And one of you will always be trying to re-work their own equations to balance out the happiness and it's not going to equal out.
Gosh, never thought I would make relationships sound so mathematical. LOL And maybe that's why my relationship has been such a blob of a mess. I've always been trying to readjust one of our equations to balance things out, and let's just face it......I SUCK AT MATH! LOL
But anyway, I think I will close this for now. I will post tomorrow more about our relationship. But I will try to post nightly if possible even if it is just a short word of encouragement, a resource, a poem, or something. So please keep checking back and please remember....you are not alone!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Welcome Friends!
Welcome to this new blog and this new endeavor, which I do pray will be a source of blessing, of hope, of encouragement, and support to all the emotionally and physically battered angels that are out there in this world, and also a place of support and resources to those who love them and are trying to reach out to them. It is a very hard, hurtful, and complicated place to be in, that is for sure. But you don't deserve to be treated in those ways. You are better than your circumstances no matter how desolate they may seem and you do deserve more, whether you feel like it or not. There are many issues I hope to explore on this subject that will help those out there who may not have the courage or opportunity to reach out for the hope and strength they need. But I hope you will read and follow this blog, and gather that courage, that hope, and that determination to rise out of the ashes and renew the hope and life that you deserve. I will be traveling that road right along with you. And if you need a friend, I hope you can find one here. Anyone who needs a listening ear or more information, please feel free to write to me at youarentalone.mgr@gmail.com. And if anyone has a story they would like to share, please e-mail it to me and I will post it.
I have to make this short for now. But this is a circumstance that we don't have to succumb to, that we can rise above, and we can start again.
Lotsa love to you all!
I have to make this short for now. But this is a circumstance that we don't have to succumb to, that we can rise above, and we can start again.
Lotsa love to you all!
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