Before I go into the beginnings of my current relationship I will tell you about prior ones. Oh wait...there was none...or at least a serious one. lol In high school I did not date. Was never asked out or I would have. I was overweight then as well and the only interest I felt any guy showed in me then was a few times I had my butt grabbed in the hallway when I was wearing my short denim skirt. Never found out who did it either.
I didn't really hang out with school friends after school. I was always quiet and shy, but still usually well liked. The only social life I had was friends at church, and they were usually the ones I hung out with at school as well. I was deeply involved in my church and youth group and if it were not for my church friends I probably would have had an ultra pathetic social life.
There were a few guys I had crushes on badly at my church and they were usually older. They usually did not take interest in me unless it was as a buddy. I was always their best friend, but not taken seriously romantically. But I would follow them around like a lost puppy dog for any scraps I could get. Now that was pathetic I know. But the girl to guy ratio at our church was horrid. So there was always someone slimmer, prettier, and friendlier than me to be dated. So I think I figured maybe just maybe I could win them over in other ways.
There was one guy eventually when I was around 20 or 21 that seemed to take an interest in me. I won't go into a ton of detail for privacy issues on his part but I really fell hard for him. He was funny, kind, spiritual, and very handsome. Piercing brown eyes and smile that would always melt my heart. We chatted a lot at church and we hung out a lot together amidst of our group of shared friends with my silently crushing on him.
Then one Sunday morning after church he said, "Hey wanna go grab a bite together later?" I was like sure. You know my heart did flip-flops! So we had our first little "date". Although I was clueless and worried through the whole meal if it was really a date or just buddies sharing a meal? I was like OMG, do I offer to pay or not offer?!?!?! Will I offend him either way?!?!?! I was just a wreck even though the time together was nice. And he did end up paying. lol But to this day I'm still not sure it was a real date!
After that we ended up spending A LOT of time together. He started sitting by me in church. He would call me after work and we'd go hang out and walk on the beach. We'd spend Sunday afternoons with his daughter and go to the arcade and have a blast. Go fishing. Hang out at his place and watch old movies and fix meals together. Talk about life, share music we liked. It was really, really great. The more time I spent with him, the more I enjoyed it and the more I felt for him. But through all that I waited....waited for him to say how he felt, waited for him to hold my hand, to maybe try to kiss me...something, anything...I was so confused. He always seemed to enjoy my company but nothing even slightly intimate.
Even though I was saving myself for marriage, I wanted a kiss or hand held or just for him to say, "Hey I like you but this is the reason I want to wait, etc." I mean he bought a new car and I was the first person he immediately thought to call and bring it by my house and take me for a spin. When he had to leave for work trips, he gave his brand new car to me to use and keep safe for him because he didn't want his family member trying to use it. It's like we were a couple but with no confirmation or mention of it. I was so dang confused. I even started walking in the evenings with his mom as we were both trying to lose weight, but it bothered me when she mentioned it and one day I saw it with my own eyes, that he was and had been driving by the walking park to see if were actually walking!!!! It started to dawn on me that maybe he did like me and care about me, but he was waiting for me to look better. That really hurt. I didn't bring that up to him and I hate confrontations so badly that I decided to write him a letter one day and I left it for him in his car at work. I mean he gave me all the liberties a guy would give a girlfriend or more so, a wife!...access to his car, access to his bank information so I could do errands for him and cash his check so we could go do stuff together....but anyway I told him I cared about him, I loved him...and I just wanted to know how he felt about me, that I would even understand if he didn't. I just needed to know where we stood.
The response I got? Silence. He avoided it at all costs. I asked if he got my letter. He said yes. Nothing more. So I didn't push the issue. Then he proceeds to tell me he wrote this poem for someone he cared about deeply and he wondered if I would read it and type it for him. I stupidly thought maybe this was his way of telling me how he felt. The poem was beautiful and heart-wrenching. So I did as I was asked and typed it up, and my heart started to hope, and I left it in a folder for him in his car. I waited for him to say more. But that night at youth meeting at church, I saw him walk up to one of my friends and hand her the poem. Talk about a stab in the gut. He knew how I felt, he knew how I cared, and he would not respond, and yet he poured his heart out in a poem and had ME type it to give to someone else? I just wanted to run out the door and never see his face again. So that was my first and only experience with love before my marriage. Pretty sad huh?
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