Well I guess first thing is first and I should introduce myself and start with my story. I plan to lay my soul bare here and be completely and totally honest. Spill my heart's contents so that I may help someone and also so that I can deal with my own healing process as well. I know everyone who finds themselves in a type of abusive situation will not have all the same aspects and problems. There will no judging here, just compassion. If you are hurting and need a friend to listen, I offer myself. I won't judge you, I won't condemn you, and anything you say will remain in my confidence.
Anyways, currently I am still in my relationship. I have been married for 11 years, going on 12. But just in the past several months the straw started breaking the camel's back so to speak. I started waking up. I started realizing I don't deserve what has been happening. I realized I deserve happiness. I deserve making my dreams come true. I deserve more than to be treated this way. My husband does not know my plans of leaving yet. Due to his temper and his instability, I am afraid to tell him, although I have told him of my unhappiness to a degree. I already fear the day I do leave, something bad will happen, someone innocent be hurt his actions. And I already struggle against that guilt blanketing my shoulders. So I'm making plans, preparing slowly. I would leave sooner but I don't have the finances and plus there are other matters to deal with like doing our taxes, separating our things, etc. And our lease is supposed to end in May and we had planned on finding a house to rent or somewhere a little less expensive, and I thought it would be easier to just have things already packed and try to ease out the safest way possible. And that is because I live on the other side of the US from my friends and family. So that is my current situation. I'm not free yet, but I've made the first step....my choice, my desire, and my decision to be free from pain.
That is step 1 - Make the Decision.
To give you more insight into me I will explain my life a bit. I am the oldest of three. I had a wonderful and awesome mother, but I had an emotionally abusive father. There are some things about him I cannot share here because they involve others in our family that some of you know and I will not share anything publicly that would hurt or upset them if it involves them. But just know he was extremely abusive, especially to our mother. We were not a poor family, thought not rich either, although many times we lived poor because he would rather spends tens of thousands on his boating obsession than on what his family needed. There is nothing wrong with having a passion for something, or hobbies that you enjoy individually, but when it takes the place of your family, when it is used as an escape from your family and when you vocally confirm it is better than your family - yes he did that - then there is a definite problem!
Through the years people could not believe, outside of our family, anything negative we might mention in passing about him. Because of course he was so nice, cordial, sweet, and adoring to all those but us. He played the doting husband and father outside, but at times on the inside was pure hell. I can count on one hand the times I heard "I love you" or had a hug from him, and have several fingers left over. Now compared to my current situation, a lot of times my spouse is not like that, he'll act the jerk no matter who is around. I find myself too many times apologizing for his behavior in our wake. Afraid to take my spouse anywhere because I'm scared of what he'll say, who he'll offend, and what he will make people think of us. That is so stressful! And shameful. I have always been pretty well liked by people for my friendliness and I enjoy being social and having friends, but I have never felt much liberty in making or keeping them as a couple because he gets so mean and offensive at the blink of an eye.
But back to my father, I stayed after her for a long time to leave him. That she deserved better. That loneliness would be much better than living the way he treated her and us. Then another relative found herself also in a bad situation and I remember the talks we had to persuade her she deserved better. Now I'm realizing I've not listened to my own advice. I've had to think if I was a friend to myself, then what would I say to me? The response in my mind was humbling. I would say..."Wake up girlfriend! Why do you let him treat you like this? Why do you let life and your dreams pass you by for someone who does not respect your feelings? Why do you let it continue? Why do you let him cut your soul so deep? WHY?!?!"
So I have realized that the first obstacle to overcome in making a decision to break out of an abusive relationship is shame. Humiliation. And confession of it.
So step 2 - Confession.
The second step in my process that I have been doing a lot of now is almost as hard, if not harder than the first step. In order to explain why I need to break out and leave I have had to confess to those I care about all the things that are uncomfortable for me to share. I've had to humble myself to those whose opinions of me matter, to those I want to esteem me. But I have had to tell them exactly what a bad choice I made in choosing to marry him. I have had to admit defeat. I have had to admit negligence. I have had to admit not being smart. I have had to admit my utter shame. I am not trying to sound egotistical because I do not have the best self-esteem in the world for sure. But I consider myself smart, with good common sense, a bit blonde at moments...lol, but overall intelligent. And to admit the choice I made, the signs I turned a blind eye to, well it makes me feel not so smart and makes me feel like an idiot and a complete and total moron. To be blantantly honest I feel just plain STUPID!
But then I try to see myself through the eyes of those who truly love me and know who I am. And through them I know I am compassionate, caring, tender-hearted, kind, love easily, trust easily and sometimes maybe a little too optimistic. A lot of times I think I can fix things that I just can't fix.
I thought I could do things to make my spouse happy and love me, and change how he treats me. But it doesn't work that way. You can't change a person's being, their mode of thinking, their past, the environments they were brought up in. There is so much that contributes to the make-up of a person's being, mentality, thought processes and personality that we cannot even imagine or fathom. It is pretty ridiculous to think that just you, by some simple actions and deeds here and there, can change all of that around. Not going to happen!!! Not trying to make anyone feel bad, it's just a hard and simple fact.
My personal conclusion I have recently come to is that I think in order to be in a successful, happy and nurturing relationship, you have both had to come through life experiences and have an equation in your being that comes close to equaling the other person's. Everything you have gone through that has shaped your soul and your life is going to come out a certain level or equation. And when you try to match up with someone who has a different level or equation, it is going to be one horrible mess! You won't be very balanced. And one of you will always be trying to re-work their own equations to balance out the happiness and it's not going to equal out.
Gosh, never thought I would make relationships sound so mathematical. LOL And maybe that's why my relationship has been such a blob of a mess. I've always been trying to readjust one of our equations to balance things out, and let's just face it......I SUCK AT MATH! LOL
But anyway, I think I will close this for now. I will post tomorrow more about our relationship. But I will try to post nightly if possible even if it is just a short word of encouragement, a resource, a poem, or something. So please keep checking back and please remember....you are not alone!
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