I thought I would go ahead and continue with my story in a separate post since I didn't get around to posting last night. :( Sorry.
But anyway, my current relationship began in 1998. I had recently got involved with this new-fangled invention called "the internet"...gasp....lol I had started it the year before. I had talked to a great friend of mine at church and she told me about all the neat people she met and chatted with online and I was intrigued. I even tried this chat program online where I wound up making several friends. Two of them I still keep in contact with in Sweden, twelve years later! A man and a woman who met in that chat room and eventually married. They are so sweet! And the husband taught me a lot about computer stuff back then because I was a complete newbie. He's like a computer genius. But I appreciated their friendship to me.
While on that chat program I had an online boyfriend for awhile in Montana. We talked on the phone a few times but then that faded. A whole other story maybe I'll share one day. But does not really pertain to the main events of this page. But before I started chatting online I had posted a personal ad for just a pen pal on an innocent pen pal site. I really wanted to meet a friend and correspond with someone male or female who lived in Ireland or Scotland. I've always been enamoured with the land and castles there and want to visit some day, so I thought it would be neat to have a friend from another country and culture, but yet who spoke English! lol
Well I never really got a response, it was just a quaint little site I don't think many people visited. Until March 7, 1998, I got a response from someone who was not currently living in Scotland, but in Arizona, but had lived in Scotland for two years before and wanted to know if I still wanted to chat or correspond. I was like sure, what the heck. So we traded e-mails, and then I gave him my ICQ# and he installed it and we chatted and hit it off really well. He said he was really interested in me but I was too young. (He was 39 and I was 22.) I was a bit offended because I had always been drawn to older men. Boys my age always acted too rowdy and immature. And I talked him into giving me a chance. Boy if I had only known what would lie ahead I would have kept my mouth closed!
So we chatted pretty intensely for ten days because on March 17th I get an e-mail of proposal of marriage!!!!!! I remember sitting at my computer in my bedroom, reading and shrieking, and my sister sitting on my bed. I read it to her and then my mom wanted to know what all the commotion was about it. So I told her. I was giddy. He said he was falling for me and if we could arrange to meet and we both were happy with what we found in each other, then he wanted to marry me. And I said yes.
Yes, throw stuff at me for being stupid please. I deserve it.
And this acceptance was even before we had spoken on the phone! I remember thinking, "Oh my GOD! What if he sounds like a dweeb? I'm engaged to him!" We traded phone numbers and he called me and he had a great voice. So I was relieved. We talked for hours. He even talked to my mom and asked for my hand, which I thought was sweet. But then the poop hit the fan when he told me and I told my Mom, he was Mormon. She got upset and said she would not condone our marriage. I sunk into depression because I thought I had found the one but did not want to go against my Mother, who I knew was probably right. It was an emotional few days until she relented and said she was not happy about it but she did not want to lose me and have me run away, and that I was an adult and had to make my own decisions. So we continued.
He sent me a webcam so I could make videos of myself. No they were not dirty. I was too embarrassed for that! lol He said I was cute and had a great personality but there was one thing he wanted me to promise....That I would continue working to lose weight after we were married. Of course I agreed because I wanted to please him even though I didn't think it fair as he was bigger than I was. But he kept saying again and again that he learned through his first marriage that looks aren't everything. Oh, but he still thought I was cute. But he said if we had met on the street he would not have picked me out to talk to me because of my looks and weight. :( Through the years he tried to take it back and say it never really mattered but I will ALWAYS hear the first words he spoke. You can hurt a person, and they can forgive you, but it's hard to ever take those words back.
So I've learned, be careful what you say. Think hard before you open your mouth. Because words spoken cannot be erased.
Moving on, we talked for hours every day either on the phone or the computer. And that was before all the cell phone plan nights and weekends or great long distance rates. lol I think one month his phone bill was $500 and mine $300. Not good. But we really hit it off. We had a few rocky moments when he confessed to me one morning he had relationships with prostitutes and had let one in that morning "just to look". I was devastated. I cried and cried. My Mom asked me what was wrong but I wouldn't tell her. I couldn't share that with anyone. That should have been another sign. I knew I couldn't share because then someone would talk me out of marrying him. He cried and boo-hooed over the phone saying it would never happen again, begging for another chance. That he was just sleepy and horny when she dropped by and he didn't even stop to think. I forgave him, like an idiot, but have never fully trusted him since. There is always a part that wonders.
I told him in order to get married though he had to have STD testing and I wanted to "SEE" the results which he provided. But I was so stupid for going with through with it.
We finally decided our courtship was getting too expensive and he talked me into just going for it and let's get married, which I also stupidly let myself get talked into. He wanted to get married in August, the sooner the better. I wanted to wait because I wanted to spend my birthday with my family. I knew money would be tight and had no clue when or if I could come back and visit or if my family could visit. I got him to agree to wait until Labor Day weekend and then we could use the extra holiday day for the drive back to Arizona, where he was, for our honeymoon trip.
Another sign that should have clued me in on things to come was I had to ASK for an engagement ring. And didn't get one until about July that he got from a pawn shop. So it was probably cursed too. lol
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a person who has to have a $1,000 dollar ring or even expensive at all, or even it be flashy and fancy. Heck these days I even prefer sterling silver over gold. I just like it to be pretty. It does not have to be expensive or flashy. In fact I'm a pretty simple laid back person. I'm very easy to please. But isn't it a given when you ask a girl to marry her you already have the ring or are planning to get one???? I mean I think it's even more of a symbol than something to just flash around. I think it's a symbol that the man takes you seriously, that he takes your heart and your lives together seriously, and this shows his intent on making you happy, being there for you, sheltering you, loving you...well I know that now but I was blind then. I had to ask for the symbol that did not mean anything to him that he should have been wanting to give. :(
Also when he flew in for the wedding I don't think he brought any money at all with him. Probably blew it on things I don't care to know. All the money we had for the trip was mine or given to us as a gift, or on my credit. Another bad sign. Thankfully he did know to get me a simple wedding band, which he did not fight too much. Both of which he stopped wearing his years ago and then I stopped wearing mine when I had gained too much weight and it was cutting off my circulation. lol
But before the wedding day there was a time I had a bad feeling about it all. I wanted to call it off and almost did. I just felt sick. But I and my mom wondered if it was just fear of moving away. She told me I ought to give him a chance and I didn't want to hurt him. I figured I could make it work if I tried hard. Buzzzzz ....wrong answer.
He flew in the day before the wedding. I and my Grandma picked him up from the airport. So the first kiss I ever had was at age 23 and just a rushed peck on the lips. I was so nervous! We spent the evening together and with my family hanging out. Then the next day we got our license, had an extremely small ceremony at a chapel on the beach. Nothing like I dreamed about. (Not that I'd have a big ceremony now either though, they are too much work and so expensive!!! But I'd have something more romantic. Although I did really feel disappointed about not getting to wear a pretty and beautiful gown.)
For a reception we had a sit down dinner with more family and a few friends. It was very good and enjoyable. It broke my heart though at saying goodbye to everyone and seeing them cry.
Then came the honeymoon. Oh boy, so not what I was expecting either. And I'm sorry if this information offends anyone but I'm just laying out the truth here and how things have been between us over the years. But as a girl you read things and watch movies and you fantasize about your honeymoon night. Hot steamy sex, wild passion, and raw lust to finally unleash.... HA HA HA! Yeah right! It was total wham-bam-thank you ma'am. And then he moved over to his side of the king bed and told me he was going to sleep and he didn't care to cuddle because he needed space. I just turned over and absolutely cried. Not where he could hear me though. I felt so rejected. So alone. So very unfulfilled. Where was the romance? Where was the union of two lovers? Where was the passion and then falling into each other's arms and falling asleep cradling one another?!?!?!? I should have just gotten dressed and went home!!!!!!!! It was definitely not what I had envisioned...two lovers who delighted in exploring each other, who were finally at liberty to do everything they could think of and desire without rules to break or inhibitions. Now I know why there are romance novels....because that's the only romance I've been able to participate in.
Romance has definitely not been his forte. I've received flowers once from him, only because I asked. His kids have been sweet and bought me flowers for occasions that he would oh so proudly bring to me. But they were not from him. If a holiday is coming up and he has to buy something for me he waits til the last minute and begrudgingly goes shopping and complains about it. I would actually prefer to get nothing than have him go get something he didn't want to get. It's just been 11 years of me giving, giving, giving, and I having to pull teeth to get anything at all in return. Sometimes I feel my soul has been almost sucked dry and I have nothing more to give. Don't even want to give. Feel myself getting very unloving and ungiving and wanting to be mean and heartless right back, and that is just not me. I don't like what this relatonship has done to my heart. And I'm fighting hard not to turn into him. That's another reason why I must get out.
Well there is so much more to tell. I've barely scraped the surface at all that has happened since the wedding day. But I need to close for now.
Love and blessings to all who read!
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